Life

So I decided to start this blog back up again more to find a way to write what I'm feeling down but to also show others how I see things. A lot has happened since the last time I posted over 8 years ago it looks like. Some of it good some of it bad but isn't that how life is for everyone.

I'm not really going to go into detail about what is happened many to keep things that are personal to others personal which is a skill I have learned in the past couple of years. I have also learned that things aren't always as they seem. Someone might look like they are perfectly fine on the outside but they are fighting a huge battle on the inside. I have learned to cherish the time you have with others because you never know how long they will be around. Another thing I have learned is to trust your gut, 90% of the time it is right about a situation or person.

Lately I have really been struggling with my depression as I'm sure many people are at this time with COVID causing shut downs and quarantines. I have been feeling really alone even though I live with 5 other girls. I still feel all by myself. On the outside I can seem like I'm extremely happy and that everything is fine but the honest answer is I'm not. I'm struggling to be happy with who I am. There are times when all I want is to be cuddled by a man who truly loves me and isn't hiding anything from me.

A little over a year ago I met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams. We hit it right off but within a couple months of dating I felt like it wasn't right anymore and that I needed to end things. I kept on pushing that feeling away because we already had most of our future figured out. I had a wedding dress picked out, who I wanted to be my bridesmaids and maid of honor. The colors were picked out, we had a date set and what temple we were going to be sealed in. I had showed him what ring I wanted and he let me know he was talking to the owner about it. After the feeling got too strong I finally listened to it. I ended things with him even though its been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I truly loved him. After I ended things with him he came forward with things he had been hiding from me that hurt a lot that he wasn't comfortable enough with me to share them. The worst part is he wouldn't take responsibility for any of it. He put the blame on other people or things. He also tried making me feel guilty for ending things and not wanting to give him a second chance. That is what hurt me the most.

Right now if I hadn't listened to my gut I would be married to a man I really didn't know after all and probably wouldn't be happy. 

I also am missing my dog Roxie who was by far one of the greatest things that happened to me. She was my best friend and I miss her dearly even though I know she is still with me just not physically.

I should probably end this now and continue another time. I haven't been able to fall asleep tonight and doubt I will since it is almost 6am where I am and I have to get up in like 2 hours to take some medicine. Good night ya'll

Life thus far

Dear Blog readers;
So again I have not written for a while which I apologize for. A lot has happened. I will try to catch everyone up.
Around the end of June beginning of July my family packed up and moved to Virginia. I moved with them. After living out there for a month my mother received the news that her father (my Grandpa King) had been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and he wasn't doing very well. My mother and I flew out to Utah as soon as we could after we moved into the house we would be renting because we didn't know how long he would have with how bad of shape he was in. The whole time we were traveling I was praying that my Grandpa would hold on till my mom could make it out there to see him. I knew that if he didn't that she would beat herself up for the rest of her life for not coming out faster. We made it out and helped him.
While we were in Utah and things had settled down my mom suggested that I should see if I could still get free schooling in Utah. Turns out I could. So with two weeks of clothing I started the semester at UVU. I am glad I did.
My grandpa held on for five weeks after being diagnosed and was able to give all his children a father's blessing before he slowly slipped out of this life and into the next. My mom was again able to come out before my grandpa passed. My grandpa slipped peacefully into the next life with all his children all around him and his wife by his side.
I saw my grandpa the day before he died and I could tell his spirit wasn't in his body anymore. It was very hard for me to say the least. See my grandpa was like another father to me. While I was growing up my own father traveled a lot so when my dad couldn't come to a father daughter thing my grandpa would come in his place. There were times in my life were I saw my grandpa more than my own dad. (My dad is amazing though. He was traveling so much so he could provide for my family.) Thus I was very close to my grandpa.
My grandpa use to say that Pepsi and popcorn could heal anything. I remember having sleep overs at my grandparents house in Spring Lake and waking up to my grandpa making us kids breakfast while singing. He also loved horses very much. When ever I see a horse I first think of my grandpa (and then my own father). He also had a good sense of humor. Whenever we drove my a cemetery he would always say that the cemetery was the most popular place because people were dying to get in. He always had a butterscotch or tootsie roll or mint in his pocket for you. He also went to all his grand-children's events. I remember him coming to my first and only dance recital when I was very young. He always made you special and would break out into song out of no where. His most favorite song though was "Jingle Bells" which he would sing all year round.
It is still hard to realize that he is gone for now.
At his funeral almost all of his grandchildren sang "Love is Spoken Here". During all our rehearsals I did fine but the second I got on that stage and started singing I broke down and cried. His funeral was a beautiful service though. Especially with the nice touch of a pine coffin since my grandpa always said that he wanted to be buried in a pine box.
To this day I still start crying for no apparent reason. I heard that grief can sometimes come in waves which is so true.
Whenever I hear "See you in the funny papers" or "keep your nose clean" I automatically think of my grandpa since those were some of his favorite sayings.
On Tuesday it will be a little over a month since he died. I know he is in a better place and that he is still watching me and cheering me on.
That is all that has really happened in my life so far. I'm trying to live every minute to the fullest because you never know when your time will come.

Miracles do happen

At the end of last month my sister received a brand new baby through the miracle of adoption. It was finally finalized last Thursday and the baby is now ours for sure. I am so happy for my sister and her family. This has been a happy ending for sure for them. They are so in love with the baby. Greyson Ray is the baby boy’s name. He is the cutest little thing! I love him already and I haven’t even met him in person. My other nephew Harper is supposedly obsessed with being an older brother. He seriously loves his new little brother. He has been so cute with little Greyson. My sister loves every minute of holding Greyson. I haven’t seen her so happy in a long time. I doubt Greyson ever gets put down a lot. My brother in law also loves it.

I realize that a mother out there is struggling because she placed Greyson with my sister and her family. I want to publicly thank her. If it weren’t for her none of this would have happened. She was able to give my sister what I wasn’t able to, a baby. I take off my hat for her on being able to do this. It would be way too hard for me to do. It had to of taken a lot of love and courage. Thank you soooo much.

 

Happy news

I am now on twitter. If you want to follow me it is @AmieLange
Life is great right now. Will post more another day.

Lately...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the past. The things in the past that if I could I would go back and change. Things I've said, things I have done, etc. Like back during the last semester of high school (especially the week of Prom) there are many things I would change.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't said some certain things or done certain things. Would I be happier or would things be even more difficult?
I am very thankful for all those who have stuck with me even when I have said/done something not very smart or very hurtful.
My family both immediate and extended have taken a lot of gruff from me but are still by my side. For example my saint of a mother. I have said and done a lot of things that have hurt her but I know she is still on my side. I know she loves me no matter what I do or say.
I want to apologize to everyone that I might have said something mean or hurtful or done something mean to. I am truly, truly sorry. I am not going to make any excuses for doing or saying what I did because there are none. I hope some way, if you haven't already, find some way to forgive me for what I said or did.

I also have been thinking about what happened last week in Newtown Connecticut. I am absolutely sorry for those who were affected by it. All of those individuals who were killed were not old enough to die yet, especially those children. I have a nephew around the same age and I cannot imagine life without him or what I would have done if he was one of the victims. My world probably would be shattered.
I was more hurt when I found out that the gunman had Asperger's like me. It makes me not so proud anymore to say that I have Asperger's. This is probably because I am worried that people will think that everyone with Asperger's is a serial killer. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!! Just because one person who has a disorder/syndrome does something doesn't me everyone else who has that disorder/syndrome will do the same thing.
Everyone is "wired" differently. It is like saying that two people who wear glasses will do the exact same things. We all adapt differently.
Okay I'll get of my soap box now.
I hope all is well with you and all those around you. Remember to tell those that are dear to you that you care about them. You never know, it could be the last time you see them or speak to them again. Cherish every minute you have with your loved ones.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

UPDATE!!!

So I realized earlier today as I was reading my sisters blog that I haven't written on my blog for a while..... So I thought I might as well.
In August I started taking classes again at UVU. I am taking a institute class (a religious class) on Repentance and Forgiveness by a family friend and I am also taking Essentials of Life-span Development. Both of my classes are amazing. In my Life-span development class I am learning a lot about myself and what other people are like and how they think. It is very interesting. I will admit though that my institute class is my favorite class. Not only is it spiritually uplifting but there are a lot of cute guys in it too and most of them are returned missionaries (I say most because I'm not sure about a couple.) I also end up laughing a lot (even though I try to keep it quiet and only before it starts)(and it is all because of one of the cute guys who is hilarious) so it isn't techniquely my fault.
A little while ago my family put on a yard-sale to raise some money to help my sister and brother-in-law who are trying to adopt. I was amazed at all the things people donated. I was also amazed to hear that people would just come and donate money and not buy anything. It helped me realize that there are still amazing people out there who will help out when it is needed.
My younger brother (I can't call him my little brother anymore since he has become taller than me now) proved that he is worthy of respect by what he did just the other day. While competing to be named region champ in cross-country he made sure that the guy who beat him was not disqualified (since the kid didn't stay on route on the last turn) just so that the kid could still go to state. Even though he could have let the kid be disqualified which would move him up to be region champ he chose to let the kid stay qualified. That just shows what kind of character he has.
I have started mentoring (I guess that is what you could call it) a girl who is 13 and has Asperger's Syndrome and who has been through a lot of difficult things in her life. I am having a blast doing it. She is so smart when she puts her mind to something. She reminds me a lot of me though. Some of the things she has troubles with I do or did too (like turning in homework on time, keeping things organized, etc.).
In my Life-span development class there also is a mother of a 14 year old girl who has Asperger's Syndrome. I have tried to help her with trying to understand how her daughter thinks.
Other than that everything is still the same. Roxie (my pug and bestest friend) is still alive and doing great (from what I know).
Like always if you have any questions just let me know.

In loo of memorial day I write the following:
I have been reading a book about the Revolutionary war and am in shock of what the men did. It also hit me that now a days people are against this country. Those who live here do not appreciate what the men and women did. It was said that before being hung by the British for spying a Nathan Hale said that he wished he had more than one life to give for his country. Even when he had the choice to save his life by going to the other side he chose to stay on the side that he would be killed for. How many of us would do that for our country today? There are thousands of men and women who have freely gave their lives to the cause of freedom and for our country. It surprises me to think that some people won't stand alongside the nation that so many people have given their lives for.
I understand that people aren't happy that we are in Iraq and Afghanistan because supposedly it is none of our business. Have you forgotten about September 11th, 2001? I know I haven't. I still remember watching on the TV in my parent's bedroom the first airplane run into the world trade center. I was only in fifth grade when it happened yet I remember how I felt. I felt hopeless. The world that I knew tumbled to the ground with the buildings. The country that I thought was the strongest was now under attack. I no longer felt safe.
I am grateful for all the men and women who constantly put their lives on the line to protect me. I now have 2 family members who are in the armed forces. I also have a long line of men in my family who have served their country. I am proud of all of them to say the least.
It bothers me when I hear people talking about how we should only worry about our own affairs and pull out. Did 9/11 not make it our business? Do all the lives lost not mean a thing? All the motherless or fatherless children? Those who have lost brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends? Do they not make it our business? Just wondering.....

Dear Blog readers;
I need your help again. Please go visit my sisters blog and invite everyone you know to also. My sister is SO amazing. She has been through a lot of trials yet she has staid strong to her beliefs. She is by far one of the strongest women I know. She is my hero. I remember when I was little how I decided that I wanted to grow up and be just like her. I still have that dream except to not be exactly like her. She is sooooooooo humble, caring, and gentle. She tends to take care of others before her self. She is the best mom I know (other than my mother of course). So please spread the word.
Sincerely,
Amie
P.S. Here is her blog prowsehouseadopts.blogspot.com
Here are some pictures from her blog:

My sister, my brother-in-law, and my nephew

Here is another picture of them

This is a more recent family picture. The thing that is so cute is that it shows exactly how they are and come on how cute is my little nephew. Oh and the bulldog is Lola. She was recently added into their family

My nephew at his favorite place 5 guys burgers

Him at the dentist

My Brother-in-law is an amazing father also

He is growing up way too fast. He just lost his first tooth.

Him with one of his favorite blankets

This shows how silly he is. I guess he was being "Knight Harper" and calling my sister "Your Highness"

This just shows how inspirational she is

My beautiful sister and hilarious nephew

These two are sooooo in love and it is so cute to see them together

Again please go to their blog and spread the word. Thank you.

Dear Blog readers;
The semester is over and it was really hard. Probably the hardest yet so I have decided to take a break from school for a little bit. If any of you know of any job openings where you are not doing the same thing over and over please let me know.
Sincerely,
Amie

March 2012

Dear Blog Readers;
I thought I would write you another letter letting you know a couple of things. The main one is about my sister. If you haven't heard my sister and brother-in-law are hoping to adopt and have asked those they know to spread the word. I have spread the word on facebook and I thought it was about time to spread it on my blog. If you would be willing to just go to the following website it would mean a lot to me. http://prowsehouseadopts.blogspot.com/ My sister is an amazing mother. She goes along with whatever her only child (my nephew) wants to do (as long as it is something they can do) (don't worry when she needs to stand up for something she does). She is the type of mother I hope someday I will be like. SHE IS AMAZING!!!! So please check the website out and spread the word.
Sincerely;
Amie

School

Dear Blog readers;
Well the spring semester at UVU has just started so I thought I would let you know that I probably will not be posting anything for a while. Sorry.
Amie

Struggles in my life

The past couple of weeks I have heard a lot of people talking about suicide and what it means. To me the thought of committing suicide has happened twice in my life and I am very grateful that I didn't go all the way through with my plans.

The first time was back in 6th grade. I was being bullied and I had been keeping what was happening to myself because I thought it was my fault that I was getting bullied. I kept all my feelings inside till one day I couldn't take it anymore. I already had planned how to end my life and I had my suicide note written. I was on my way to my locker to clean it out so my mother wouldn't have to. On my way to my locker my now good friend Seth stopped and started talking to me. He asked me how I was doing and I lied to him when I told him I was fine. Luckily he didn't believe me and told me that he knew that I wasn't fine. He finally got me to fess up and I told him about how I was being bullied. If it weren't for Seth and my Heavenly Father I know I wouldn't be here today.

The second time was at the first of my second semester of college. I was having a lot of things go wrong. I was under a lot of stress and then the person I felt closest to ended our friendship out of no where. I felt like this was the last straw. I tried to act like nothing was wrong but in the end I couldn't fool myself. I had my suicide note written and I had the pills that I was going to swallow in my hands. They weren't any of my pills they were my mothers. Right when I was about to stick them in my mouth to swallow them a thought came into my mind. I thought of how painful it would be for my mother if I killed myself by taking her pills. I thought of how she would probably have the regret of not hiding them. I then thought of how foolish and selfish it was for me to end my life. I couldn't stand to think that I would hurt my family badly if I actually went through with it. It would be horrible for them. I didn't want to do that so I put the pills right back and have never thought about committing suicide again.

I am telling my story so that those who are deciding on wither or not to commit suicide will know that they shouldn't. If you don't think anyone loves you know that your Heavenly Father loves you dearly. He loves you so much that he sent his only begotten son to die for you so that you could live with Him again. If you think that there is no one who understands what you are going through you are wrong. Jesus Christ went through your life while in the Garden. Pray to him, he is always there for you and will listen. I know this is true because I have prayed to him for help and he has helped me. He has sent his love to me and he will send it to you also. He will help calm your weary soul. He is waiting for you to ask for his help. Don't let Satan tell you that he isn't there for you because he truly is. He is your best friend. He wants to help you so much but he can't if you don't ask for his help. Don't be stubborn just ask. I testify that he will answer you.

Thanksgiving time

Since Thanksgiving is coming up I thought I would list a couple of things I am grateful for. They are not in order at all.

1. My dog Roxie

2. My Family (both extended and immediate)

3. My Friends

4. The ability to love and to be loved

5. Having the restored gospel in my life

6. All that my Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have done for me

7. All the men in my life who hold the priesthood and are worthy enough to give me blessings

8. A roof over my head

9. Food to eat

10. Being able to go to UVU

11. My smile (even though it took 7 years of braces to get it to where it is today)

12. The ability to walk

13. The ability to talk

14. The ability to see, smell, hear, touch, and taste

15. The small moments in life that make you smile

16. The ability to laugh

17. The ability to pray

18. The ability to learn

19. The ability to be me

20. The clothes that I have

I now challenge all of you to do the same. Make a list of what you are grateful for.

My many blessings

These past couple of weeks I have been learning to count my blessings. I have learned that I am blessed with many friends who have helped me through the most challenging times in my life. I am also very blessed to have such a wonderful family who will stand by me no matter what. Thank you all for your love and support. I love you tons.

Some of my troubles

One of the things I have the hardest time with still is how to act when around those of the other gender. I have found that no matter how hard I try I still cannot act the right way. I become to over whelming when I come to have feelings for someone. I try my hardest to act normally but I have learned that it is very hard to do that when I have strong feelings for a guy. I would highly recommend that people who have AS and are single to ask for advice from someone they trust before they do something that has to do with a person they are romantically interested in. I am trying to learn to do this. It is very hard to do since I am very stubborn. If you have any other ideas please comment.

My life so far

A lot has happened to me since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I have learned a lot. I don't see my disabilities as disabilities, I see them as abilities. If I didn't have what I have then I wouldn't be the person I am now. My mom asked me once if in my dreams if I don't have Asperger's. My answer was that I didn't know because I don't know what it is like to not have Asperger's. I don't like it when people act differently around me when they find out about me. I see my Asperger's as characteristics of me.