Life

So I decided to start this blog back up again more to find a way to write what I'm feeling down but to also show others how I see things. A lot has happened since the last time I posted over 8 years ago it looks like. Some of it good some of it bad but isn't that how life is for everyone.

I'm not really going to go into detail about what is happened many to keep things that are personal to others personal which is a skill I have learned in the past couple of years. I have also learned that things aren't always as they seem. Someone might look like they are perfectly fine on the outside but they are fighting a huge battle on the inside. I have learned to cherish the time you have with others because you never know how long they will be around. Another thing I have learned is to trust your gut, 90% of the time it is right about a situation or person.

Lately I have really been struggling with my depression as I'm sure many people are at this time with COVID causing shut downs and quarantines. I have been feeling really alone even though I live with 5 other girls. I still feel all by myself. On the outside I can seem like I'm extremely happy and that everything is fine but the honest answer is I'm not. I'm struggling to be happy with who I am. There are times when all I want is to be cuddled by a man who truly loves me and isn't hiding anything from me.

A little over a year ago I met a man who I thought was the man of my dreams. We hit it right off but within a couple months of dating I felt like it wasn't right anymore and that I needed to end things. I kept on pushing that feeling away because we already had most of our future figured out. I had a wedding dress picked out, who I wanted to be my bridesmaids and maid of honor. The colors were picked out, we had a date set and what temple we were going to be sealed in. I had showed him what ring I wanted and he let me know he was talking to the owner about it. After the feeling got too strong I finally listened to it. I ended things with him even though its been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I truly loved him. After I ended things with him he came forward with things he had been hiding from me that hurt a lot that he wasn't comfortable enough with me to share them. The worst part is he wouldn't take responsibility for any of it. He put the blame on other people or things. He also tried making me feel guilty for ending things and not wanting to give him a second chance. That is what hurt me the most.

Right now if I hadn't listened to my gut I would be married to a man I really didn't know after all and probably wouldn't be happy. 

I also am missing my dog Roxie who was by far one of the greatest things that happened to me. She was my best friend and I miss her dearly even though I know she is still with me just not physically.

I should probably end this now and continue another time. I haven't been able to fall asleep tonight and doubt I will since it is almost 6am where I am and I have to get up in like 2 hours to take some medicine. Good night ya'll

Life thus far

Dear Blog readers;
So again I have not written for a while which I apologize for. A lot has happened. I will try to catch everyone up.
Around the end of June beginning of July my family packed up and moved to Virginia. I moved with them. After living out there for a month my mother received the news that her father (my Grandpa King) had been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and he wasn't doing very well. My mother and I flew out to Utah as soon as we could after we moved into the house we would be renting because we didn't know how long he would have with how bad of shape he was in. The whole time we were traveling I was praying that my Grandpa would hold on till my mom could make it out there to see him. I knew that if he didn't that she would beat herself up for the rest of her life for not coming out faster. We made it out and helped him.
While we were in Utah and things had settled down my mom suggested that I should see if I could still get free schooling in Utah. Turns out I could. So with two weeks of clothing I started the semester at UVU. I am glad I did.
My grandpa held on for five weeks after being diagnosed and was able to give all his children a father's blessing before he slowly slipped out of this life and into the next. My mom was again able to come out before my grandpa passed. My grandpa slipped peacefully into the next life with all his children all around him and his wife by his side.
I saw my grandpa the day before he died and I could tell his spirit wasn't in his body anymore. It was very hard for me to say the least. See my grandpa was like another father to me. While I was growing up my own father traveled a lot so when my dad couldn't come to a father daughter thing my grandpa would come in his place. There were times in my life were I saw my grandpa more than my own dad. (My dad is amazing though. He was traveling so much so he could provide for my family.) Thus I was very close to my grandpa.
My grandpa use to say that Pepsi and popcorn could heal anything. I remember having sleep overs at my grandparents house in Spring Lake and waking up to my grandpa making us kids breakfast while singing. He also loved horses very much. When ever I see a horse I first think of my grandpa (and then my own father). He also had a good sense of humor. Whenever we drove my a cemetery he would always say that the cemetery was the most popular place because people were dying to get in. He always had a butterscotch or tootsie roll or mint in his pocket for you. He also went to all his grand-children's events. I remember him coming to my first and only dance recital when I was very young. He always made you special and would break out into song out of no where. His most favorite song though was "Jingle Bells" which he would sing all year round.
It is still hard to realize that he is gone for now.
At his funeral almost all of his grandchildren sang "Love is Spoken Here". During all our rehearsals I did fine but the second I got on that stage and started singing I broke down and cried. His funeral was a beautiful service though. Especially with the nice touch of a pine coffin since my grandpa always said that he wanted to be buried in a pine box.
To this day I still start crying for no apparent reason. I heard that grief can sometimes come in waves which is so true.
Whenever I hear "See you in the funny papers" or "keep your nose clean" I automatically think of my grandpa since those were some of his favorite sayings.
On Tuesday it will be a little over a month since he died. I know he is in a better place and that he is still watching me and cheering me on.
That is all that has really happened in my life so far. I'm trying to live every minute to the fullest because you never know when your time will come.

Miracles do happen

At the end of last month my sister received a brand new baby through the miracle of adoption. It was finally finalized last Thursday and the baby is now ours for sure. I am so happy for my sister and her family. This has been a happy ending for sure for them. They are so in love with the baby. Greyson Ray is the baby boy’s name. He is the cutest little thing! I love him already and I haven’t even met him in person. My other nephew Harper is supposedly obsessed with being an older brother. He seriously loves his new little brother. He has been so cute with little Greyson. My sister loves every minute of holding Greyson. I haven’t seen her so happy in a long time. I doubt Greyson ever gets put down a lot. My brother in law also loves it.

I realize that a mother out there is struggling because she placed Greyson with my sister and her family. I want to publicly thank her. If it weren’t for her none of this would have happened. She was able to give my sister what I wasn’t able to, a baby. I take off my hat for her on being able to do this. It would be way too hard for me to do. It had to of taken a lot of love and courage. Thank you soooo much.

 

Happy news

I am now on twitter. If you want to follow me it is @AmieLange
Life is great right now. Will post more another day.

Lately...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the past. The things in the past that if I could I would go back and change. Things I've said, things I have done, etc. Like back during the last semester of high school (especially the week of Prom) there are many things I would change.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't said some certain things or done certain things. Would I be happier or would things be even more difficult?
I am very thankful for all those who have stuck with me even when I have said/done something not very smart or very hurtful.
My family both immediate and extended have taken a lot of gruff from me but are still by my side. For example my saint of a mother. I have said and done a lot of things that have hurt her but I know she is still on my side. I know she loves me no matter what I do or say.
I want to apologize to everyone that I might have said something mean or hurtful or done something mean to. I am truly, truly sorry. I am not going to make any excuses for doing or saying what I did because there are none. I hope some way, if you haven't already, find some way to forgive me for what I said or did.

I also have been thinking about what happened last week in Newtown Connecticut. I am absolutely sorry for those who were affected by it. All of those individuals who were killed were not old enough to die yet, especially those children. I have a nephew around the same age and I cannot imagine life without him or what I would have done if he was one of the victims. My world probably would be shattered.
I was more hurt when I found out that the gunman had Asperger's like me. It makes me not so proud anymore to say that I have Asperger's. This is probably because I am worried that people will think that everyone with Asperger's is a serial killer. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!! Just because one person who has a disorder/syndrome does something doesn't me everyone else who has that disorder/syndrome will do the same thing.
Everyone is "wired" differently. It is like saying that two people who wear glasses will do the exact same things. We all adapt differently.
Okay I'll get of my soap box now.
I hope all is well with you and all those around you. Remember to tell those that are dear to you that you care about them. You never know, it could be the last time you see them or speak to them again. Cherish every minute you have with your loved ones.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

UPDATE!!!

So I realized earlier today as I was reading my sisters blog that I haven't written on my blog for a while..... So I thought I might as well.
In August I started taking classes again at UVU. I am taking a institute class (a religious class) on Repentance and Forgiveness by a family friend and I am also taking Essentials of Life-span Development. Both of my classes are amazing. In my Life-span development class I am learning a lot about myself and what other people are like and how they think. It is very interesting. I will admit though that my institute class is my favorite class. Not only is it spiritually uplifting but there are a lot of cute guys in it too and most of them are returned missionaries (I say most because I'm not sure about a couple.) I also end up laughing a lot (even though I try to keep it quiet and only before it starts)(and it is all because of one of the cute guys who is hilarious) so it isn't techniquely my fault.
A little while ago my family put on a yard-sale to raise some money to help my sister and brother-in-law who are trying to adopt. I was amazed at all the things people donated. I was also amazed to hear that people would just come and donate money and not buy anything. It helped me realize that there are still amazing people out there who will help out when it is needed.
My younger brother (I can't call him my little brother anymore since he has become taller than me now) proved that he is worthy of respect by what he did just the other day. While competing to be named region champ in cross-country he made sure that the guy who beat him was not disqualified (since the kid didn't stay on route on the last turn) just so that the kid could still go to state. Even though he could have let the kid be disqualified which would move him up to be region champ he chose to let the kid stay qualified. That just shows what kind of character he has.
I have started mentoring (I guess that is what you could call it) a girl who is 13 and has Asperger's Syndrome and who has been through a lot of difficult things in her life. I am having a blast doing it. She is so smart when she puts her mind to something. She reminds me a lot of me though. Some of the things she has troubles with I do or did too (like turning in homework on time, keeping things organized, etc.).
In my Life-span development class there also is a mother of a 14 year old girl who has Asperger's Syndrome. I have tried to help her with trying to understand how her daughter thinks.
Other than that everything is still the same. Roxie (my pug and bestest friend) is still alive and doing great (from what I know).
Like always if you have any questions just let me know.

In loo of memorial day I write the following:
I have been reading a book about the Revolutionary war and am in shock of what the men did. It also hit me that now a days people are against this country. Those who live here do not appreciate what the men and women did. It was said that before being hung by the British for spying a Nathan Hale said that he wished he had more than one life to give for his country. Even when he had the choice to save his life by going to the other side he chose to stay on the side that he would be killed for. How many of us would do that for our country today? There are thousands of men and women who have freely gave their lives to the cause of freedom and for our country. It surprises me to think that some people won't stand alongside the nation that so many people have given their lives for.
I understand that people aren't happy that we are in Iraq and Afghanistan because supposedly it is none of our business. Have you forgotten about September 11th, 2001? I know I haven't. I still remember watching on the TV in my parent's bedroom the first airplane run into the world trade center. I was only in fifth grade when it happened yet I remember how I felt. I felt hopeless. The world that I knew tumbled to the ground with the buildings. The country that I thought was the strongest was now under attack. I no longer felt safe.
I am grateful for all the men and women who constantly put their lives on the line to protect me. I now have 2 family members who are in the armed forces. I also have a long line of men in my family who have served their country. I am proud of all of them to say the least.
It bothers me when I hear people talking about how we should only worry about our own affairs and pull out. Did 9/11 not make it our business? Do all the lives lost not mean a thing? All the motherless or fatherless children? Those who have lost brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends? Do they not make it our business? Just wondering.....