Struggles in my life

The past couple of weeks I have heard a lot of people talking about suicide and what it means. To me the thought of committing suicide has happened twice in my life and I am very grateful that I didn't go all the way through with my plans.

The first time was back in 6th grade. I was being bullied and I had been keeping what was happening to myself because I thought it was my fault that I was getting bullied. I kept all my feelings inside till one day I couldn't take it anymore. I already had planned how to end my life and I had my suicide note written. I was on my way to my locker to clean it out so my mother wouldn't have to. On my way to my locker my now good friend Seth stopped and started talking to me. He asked me how I was doing and I lied to him when I told him I was fine. Luckily he didn't believe me and told me that he knew that I wasn't fine. He finally got me to fess up and I told him about how I was being bullied. If it weren't for Seth and my Heavenly Father I know I wouldn't be here today.

The second time was at the first of my second semester of college. I was having a lot of things go wrong. I was under a lot of stress and then the person I felt closest to ended our friendship out of no where. I felt like this was the last straw. I tried to act like nothing was wrong but in the end I couldn't fool myself. I had my suicide note written and I had the pills that I was going to swallow in my hands. They weren't any of my pills they were my mothers. Right when I was about to stick them in my mouth to swallow them a thought came into my mind. I thought of how painful it would be for my mother if I killed myself by taking her pills. I thought of how she would probably have the regret of not hiding them. I then thought of how foolish and selfish it was for me to end my life. I couldn't stand to think that I would hurt my family badly if I actually went through with it. It would be horrible for them. I didn't want to do that so I put the pills right back and have never thought about committing suicide again.

I am telling my story so that those who are deciding on wither or not to commit suicide will know that they shouldn't. If you don't think anyone loves you know that your Heavenly Father loves you dearly. He loves you so much that he sent his only begotten son to die for you so that you could live with Him again. If you think that there is no one who understands what you are going through you are wrong. Jesus Christ went through your life while in the Garden. Pray to him, he is always there for you and will listen. I know this is true because I have prayed to him for help and he has helped me. He has sent his love to me and he will send it to you also. He will help calm your weary soul. He is waiting for you to ask for his help. Don't let Satan tell you that he isn't there for you because he truly is. He is your best friend. He wants to help you so much but he can't if you don't ask for his help. Don't be stubborn just ask. I testify that he will answer you.

Thanksgiving time

Since Thanksgiving is coming up I thought I would list a couple of things I am grateful for. They are not in order at all.

1. My dog Roxie

2. My Family (both extended and immediate)

3. My Friends

4. The ability to love and to be loved

5. Having the restored gospel in my life

6. All that my Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have done for me

7. All the men in my life who hold the priesthood and are worthy enough to give me blessings

8. A roof over my head

9. Food to eat

10. Being able to go to UVU

11. My smile (even though it took 7 years of braces to get it to where it is today)

12. The ability to walk

13. The ability to talk

14. The ability to see, smell, hear, touch, and taste

15. The small moments in life that make you smile

16. The ability to laugh

17. The ability to pray

18. The ability to learn

19. The ability to be me

20. The clothes that I have

I now challenge all of you to do the same. Make a list of what you are grateful for.

My many blessings

These past couple of weeks I have been learning to count my blessings. I have learned that I am blessed with many friends who have helped me through the most challenging times in my life. I am also very blessed to have such a wonderful family who will stand by me no matter what. Thank you all for your love and support. I love you tons.

Some of my troubles

One of the things I have the hardest time with still is how to act when around those of the other gender. I have found that no matter how hard I try I still cannot act the right way. I become to over whelming when I come to have feelings for someone. I try my hardest to act normally but I have learned that it is very hard to do that when I have strong feelings for a guy. I would highly recommend that people who have AS and are single to ask for advice from someone they trust before they do something that has to do with a person they are romantically interested in. I am trying to learn to do this. It is very hard to do since I am very stubborn. If you have any other ideas please comment.

My life so far

A lot has happened to me since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I have learned a lot. I don't see my disabilities as disabilities, I see them as abilities. If I didn't have what I have then I wouldn't be the person I am now. My mom asked me once if in my dreams if I don't have Asperger's. My answer was that I didn't know because I don't know what it is like to not have Asperger's. I don't like it when people act differently around me when they find out about me. I see my Asperger's as characteristics of me.